Who Reads this anyways?

Well I started this Blog today....I really don't know why but I need to talk to someone and there is noone so here I am talking to people I have never met. Well I think I may be going completly insane!!!!!!! I get urges to hurt people and I feel like a total ass because I don't feel that it's wrong. I haven't acted on any of those urges...but what if it's only a matter of time before I do?Well besides that my life is great. I mean I have an amazing girlfriend, I'm captain of the football team, and I'm lying through my fucking teeth. I am not dating anyone because, to be honest, I have no idea how to make a realtionship last. Heck I'm only 18 and I'm already worried about love. And I have no idea what to do after high school, and yes I know who does? But I'm already fucked up in the head anyways add the stress of How the fuck can I survive in the "adult" world, and you get one seriously messed up dude. Now let me backtrack and say this, my life is NOT the hardest in the world, and I know that. I have had it rough, but kids in Africa most likely have it ten times rougher. But seriously I have been raped by my father, betrayed by my family, thrown from house to house since I was a kid, and I survived two suicide attempts, so if I complain a bit then give me a break. My mind still hasn't caught up with my life experiences. I'm still processing the fact that my father will never really be my father and I'm still processing that parts of my family hate me for "lying" about my sexual abuse. What is the worse is...I feel like I may be in love with my best friend in the fucking world....and my heart feels like thats the biggest problem. Not my depression or my post traumatic stress disorder or any other thing on my long laundry list of problems, but the fact that I am in love with my best friend. How much more pathetic can you get? It's like a fucking 1980's teen angst movie. I like her, she has boyfriend, boyfriend treats her like crap, I stay by her side, and I get her in the end. I mean thats how it's suppose to go right? Well it's not going that way!!!! She still stays with him and it drives me fucking insane!!!!!!!!! I cannot fathom how a Goddess like herself could take all the pain he deals to her. But anyways I'm just really confused sometimes and it was nice talking to this blog...even if noone ever reads it lol. Well to anyone who does read I'll probably be posting more later.