In the end we all make mistakes.

For Lion

The end is nearing and my path still isn't clearing. You left me heartbroken, and I still don't know why. Dying is easy it's my fucking life that I hate and it seems like even non-believers must succumb to fate. God or Gods it makes no difference, in fact it's not to them I make inferences, it's to you, the masses in which I speak, and in no ways are my subtle phrases meek. I need to know why, when I cry, no person cares enough to lie. Just lie to me, tell me how amazing I am, I know I'm not, but is there any harm in them? I didn't think so, and has you know, lies save relationships, and they help me feel less like an insignificant piece of shit.

The taste of you is hard to erase, and when I close my eyes, what I see is your face. But you cannot give me your heart, and that is what I needed from our start. I die with or without you, but I'll be happier if it was with you my life ensued. You really are an angel among demons, a goddess among mortals, a nymph among sprites, and more than I describe, but the thought of you is why these blood tears I cry.

Has this all ends I think of your face, and how, even has I breathe my last, how amazingly gorgeous you are, body and soul, and just know, that you will always have my whole. My whole being and soul.

Signed your obsessive shadower,
your broken wolf,
and now and forever,
your best friend.

No Great Loss

So prom officially blew....my date kinda hated me, or so it seemed, I really wanted to make it a great time for her but it seems like I fucked up...again...I guess the saying you can't change a leopard's spots is true for me as well...I can never not be a fuck up. The funny thing is...I thought I would mess it up, but I never thought it would be because she didn't like me or something, I just thought that I would eventually say something, who knows, maybe I did, but I on't have any idea as to what. Well all I know is, if I got hit by a bus right now I would think....No Great Loss.

So she says this....

Let's just be friends....
So I say OK even thought it fucking kills me to say it. I am really trying to be just friends but their is a couple problems with this...first I am irrevocably in love with her. No matter what happens she will always own a part of my heart. Second and this is the biggest, she makes me feel bad when I am with another girl, and Third....She gets jealous and possessive when she finds out I kissed another girl or something of that nature.

Makes perfect sense doesn't it?

So.....

It has been awhile...and I guess I should start by saying....FUCK YOU!!!!
That is too all the people who let their boyfriends cheat on them....because their are guys like me who would kill for a chance with a girl as amazing as you....sorry about that people I am just a little tired of not being good enough for anyone lol

So here's a poem about my state of mind....


Worlds collide as you are on my mind and the world that I know ends,
But my mind is preoccupied with images of you and love is what I intend to find.
Yet here I am, another night alone, and I know you are out with him,
He is you lover, the man of your dreams, or so you keep on saying,
But he cheats, lies, and destroys your morale and your life he keeps on delaying.
But if you were with me you'd understand what a man has to offer,
Love understanding, with the aggressiveness you also require,
But instead of it aimed to hurting you, it'd be put to much better use,
Liking furthering this love, through any type of abuse.
Well that's the end of this fucking charade, now you know my wishes...
But you will stay with him, and think of me through all of his kisses.
Just think of how, while you sink farther in self-denial...
You could be with me instead of being with that child.

Rarg

I am tired, sleepy and just a little freaked out lol. I think I might be totaslly crazy (not that comes to a surprise to anyone) but I think that I may have actually drained the emotions out of a person. I mean you know when you say I wish I could take your pain away, well I think that I did it and I think that it isn't the first time....but last night I actually did it consciously where before I only did it subconsciously. Well I'll edit this later when it makes any type of sense.

Angel

To describe you in one word is blasphemy for you must be a goddess among mortals, your beauty is unmatched, your kindness unrivaled, and the way you make me feel is indescribable. If I could I would absorb all your pain into myself and I would bleed all my blood if it would save you. I barely know you, but I feel like I know you better than I know others. I'm floating when I see a picture of you, though it never does you justice, and to see the real thing is a paradise known to very few. To describe in this short paragraph is almost impossible because even the perfection of a perfect rose pales in comparison to your beauty in other words perfect is way too useless to describe the beauty everyone sees when they see you. You wouldn't understand what I'm saying unless you saw what I see when I saw you the first time.... an angel who was going to make everything better and with a fleeting touch all the problems that had plagued me for my life it all went away and I became healed, if only for that night, and became the person I've always wanted to be. You cared for me without even knowing me and that was something, no person has ever done, so to the point I was making, your an angel, that I want to be mine. But fear wraps itself around me like a blanket, having me resort to hidden meanings behind the things I say to you hoping you'd get it and let me know your feelings. But you haven't and part of me is glad because then the fear of rejection, which will surely follow, has not come.But how am I suppose to live without letting you know how I feel? Everything I've done in my life has been controlled by fear and maybe that's the true reason for my depression and loneliness. I'm trying to become brave but to do that I must confess to you before I lose myself in the pit of insecurities that grows steadily everyday. The only thing that keeps me from falling in is the picture of you in my mind, without any flaws in my opinion, standing there feeling the way I do. The only thing I can think of right now is you and to allow this charade to go on any longer is injustice. So I have to get this out, even if I'm not going to tell you yet....Your my perfect angel.

A poem for a vampire

Confusion grasps at my soul tearing apart my already muddled perspective, and yet, I still can't find a sane reason to still hope for clarity. I'm torn on my views on love, and you are deceptive in your projection of the feelings you project on me, in love or pity, It's not for certain, and if I'm to become a calamity to this guilt ridden society, than far bit it to me to base my decisions on morality. I can't expect you of all people to understand my predicament, when you are the main cause of my insane ramblings! Let me explain in a few choice words...You confuse, excite, incite, infatuate , inspire, interest, consume, All of myself...And I love you for it. I can't forget you, or even stop thinking about you. So humor me...whats on your mind? Is it love? Of fear? For both are emotions intertwined within themselves, and even though rejection is destined to be riddle itself upon me, I must know! For thing that I do reminds me, however elaborate, of you. And no matter how hard I try every Beautiful thing in the world dulls in comparison to your smile, that lights up my world. These feelings are so hard to describe, for love is a word used to often, and how can I, a boy of 17, understand the meaning of a word that eludes the world? But I can say for certain that I care for you, more than you can understand, and the mere hint of sadness upon your face drives me to tears. So I ask you again, whats on your mind? Because I honestly care about what you have to say. I can listen to you for hours and enjoy myself, I'll hang on your every word, and be linked to your very emotions, because your life means more to me than mine. But how can I ever make you understand these feelings that surround me, when I write this poem to a wall? Of course you'll never hear this, and if you do, I'll lie and say it's not about you. So whats on your mind?. I'd really like to know, to bad I'm too spineless and cowardly to to tell or show these feelings that have grown. Do I love you? Why do I ask? I cannot answer to anyone but you and yet I ask advice trying to figure out if it's true. Because when I do discover the truth I want it to be sure, but to discover the truth is a path I have to take myself. I just hope I return in good mental health, because I'm already crazy about you and to go crazy for any other reason could break me.... then again maybe it's better if I go crazy for sure, then just maybe I'll know what love is. Because Wise men have been known to scoff at love, and a fool is something I can't be, but crazy sounds suitable, as long as it brings me closer to you

A poem/rambling....

This is not the continuation of my last poem.....that will be posted when I finish it lol

Can you really tell me that everything that we said is false? That this feeling of ecstasy is incorrect? How can that be when I know as well as you that every time we're apart you feel the pain. The pain that comes with the possibility that we may not see each other so we treasure every moment together. But if you continue to deny the most basic need for any type of relationship, trust, then I'll go, and I may die without you, but it's better for me to die without you then to die with you watching, so before you destroy the thing that we both need, look inside yourself, and not literally my love, and tell me what you feel. And tell me what you really feel. Not what you are "suppose" to feel but what your heart is screaming for you to reveal because I need you as surely as a thespian needs the stage, as surely as a religion needs followers, and much more because you are the only real thing to me and without the certainty of are friendship and maybe more....I'll die. And the darkness the threatens to consume the world will capture another soul, making it all the more STRONGER and without any resistance I'll die, and the world won't feel it, but I know you will. And to cause you pain is not my intention but it's the only option I see at the moment.

ARGGG!!!!!

I am really completely insane right now. I have no idea about anything that I need to do. Am I suppose to just sit back and hope something clears thing up? Or should I run forward into the dark stumbling, falling, until I destroy everything that I once held dear? God this is so fucking confusing. One minute I'm a hundred percent sure about everything then the next I'm a hundred percent sure that I know NOT ONE DAMN THING. Is this really what life is suppose to be like? Living blindly not knowing the next step? Am I fool because I want something else? Something that makes life not so hard, and I know she'll care when the morning comes. Maybe I am but I'd rather be a relatively romantic fool then a cold calculating wise man any day. Anyways for anyone out there who is reading this (which last time I checked was 0) I really need some advice...should I take what the world is offering or should I take what I want and fuck the repercussions of my actions? I think the latter decision is my best bet becaus ehonestly...who the fuck needs rules???

State of The Fucking World

When I think of the state of things in the world I get a little sick. Firts with the world for letting things get this bad and second with myself for not trying to do anything about it. I mean people rape, murder, steal, and sure we all speak out against it but who does anything about it? I certainly don't and truth is...few do. We all are too caught up in our own emotional problems to give a damn. But if we keep this attitude then the truth is, the world as we know will collapse into chaos. In fact it may already have. We all turn a blind eye to events in Darfur because if we speak out against it, I mean really speak out, the we may have to, back up our words and no one has the metaphoric balls you need to take a stand against corruption. In fact we all are to concerned with sercuring a bank accounts to even notice the horrors that surround us everyday. I mean there's pain and corruption in The U.S, the so proclaimed Greatest Country in The World, and I'm not knocking ther U.S. I love it here but we must set an example by doing something and the problem is....I won't and neither will any of you.

A poem

Well here's a poem for people to read. I wrote it and I think it sucks...but I think it accurately describes my mind.......


Starving for your attention, you control my mind,
Hungering for your touch, a touch of any kind.
Dying without your company, my soul seems to wither,
So I turn to another and my death she hinders.
Yet she cannot repair the hole in my heart,
Only you know that unique type of art.
So every night I take her this way and that
Still hoping for the day when you come back.
I close my eyes and it is you I slip inside of,
But when I open them, it's not you I see love.
It's her and she looks at me oh so lovingly
But all I want from her is some strange kind of remedy,
A remedy that will keep me alive until you come
And that remedy is the fact that I can make her cum.
She orgasms and I get a sweetly sick satisfaction,
Knowing that I still hold that sexual attraction.
She may be falling in love and I can't even care
I've already moved on to her friend with the black hair.
I'm losing my humanity, I have no sense of morales,
I'm becoming the man of every girl's horrors.
Looking in the mirror I abhor the man I see,
Now it's too late for even you to save me.......

to be continued in my next posting!!!

Who Reads this anyways?

Well I started this Blog today....I really don't know why but I need to talk to someone and there is noone so here I am talking to people I have never met. Well I think I may be going completly insane!!!!!!! I get urges to hurt people and I feel like a total ass because I don't feel that it's wrong. I haven't acted on any of those urges...but what if it's only a matter of time before I do?Well besides that my life is great. I mean I have an amazing girlfriend, I'm captain of the football team, and I'm lying through my fucking teeth. I am not dating anyone because, to be honest, I have no idea how to make a realtionship last. Heck I'm only 18 and I'm already worried about love. And I have no idea what to do after high school, and yes I know who does? But I'm already fucked up in the head anyways add the stress of How the fuck can I survive in the "adult" world, and you get one seriously messed up dude. Now let me backtrack and say this, my life is NOT the hardest in the world, and I know that. I have had it rough, but kids in Africa most likely have it ten times rougher. But seriously I have been raped by my father, betrayed by my family, thrown from house to house since I was a kid, and I survived two suicide attempts, so if I complain a bit then give me a break. My mind still hasn't caught up with my life experiences. I'm still processing the fact that my father will never really be my father and I'm still processing that parts of my family hate me for "lying" about my sexual abuse. What is the worse is...I feel like I may be in love with my best friend in the fucking world....and my heart feels like thats the biggest problem. Not my depression or my post traumatic stress disorder or any other thing on my long laundry list of problems, but the fact that I am in love with my best friend. How much more pathetic can you get? It's like a fucking 1980's teen angst movie. I like her, she has boyfriend, boyfriend treats her like crap, I stay by her side, and I get her in the end. I mean thats how it's suppose to go right? Well it's not going that way!!!! She still stays with him and it drives me fucking insane!!!!!!!!! I cannot fathom how a Goddess like herself could take all the pain he deals to her. But anyways I'm just really confused sometimes and it was nice talking to this blog...even if noone ever reads it lol. Well to anyone who does read I'll probably be posting more later.